Humor, Love

Cuffing Season Returns!

We are approximately 27 days into Fall. The days are getting shorter, skirts are getting longer and the weather is getting colder. This debacle of a presidential race is leading into an election that personifies what it means to be caught between a rock and a hard place. If you don’t get killed by a clown or relocate to Canada before Hilary or Trump runs this country into the ground, then you’re in for a particularly harsh winter. Meteorologists are predicting record low temperatures. But more important than any of those aforementioned notes is this … Cuffing Season is upon us. I repeat, Cuffing Season is upon us. This is not a test. This is not a drill. MILLIONS WILL BE AFFECTED! 

For those of you who don’t know what Cuffing Season is, allow me to explain:

Cuffing season is a period during the fall and winter months when people who normally prefer to remain single or promiscuous, temporarily have a desire to be tied down by a semi-serious relationship or situationship. During an otherwise depressing time of year, “cuddling” is an attractive pastime when the crippling cold and immobilizing snow make it unbearable to leave your house. Shorter, colder days and fewer social gatherings leave little opportunity for flirting and fraternization. Cuddling generates body heat, which is helpful in combatting the cold. Cuffing season is characterized by more monogamous sex, faster text-backs, excessive use of the term “bae,” and a huge spike in Netflix and chill.

CAUTION: Relationships formed during Cuffing Season may be superficial and based on a temporary desire for companionship. Could result in hurt feelings, crushed pride, false hope, extreme attachment, one-sided love, heartbreak and unplanned pregnancy. Feelings are likely to fade with rising temperatures and the onset of Summer. Enter at your own risk. 

Now that you have a basic understanding and are aware of the risks, let me explain the benefits and why some single people train year-round for this coveted season. Anyone who has attempted dating in the 21st century knows that it’s a joke. Especially when you’re 20-something years old, college educated, goal oriented, with moderate to high self-esteem and standards. The odds are not in your favor and you’re up against the hypersexual, super casual, technological, instant gratification, “no feelings” culture of the millennial age group. Dates … what are those? Romance … forget it! Courting … never heard of it. And just when you find yourself straddling desperation or quitting altogether, Fall rolls around and there’s light at the end of that long, dark, desolate tunnel. 

During the Fall and Winter months, both men and women are 15% more likely to get into a relationship. There’s something about consistently cloudy skies and cold weather that puts people in a romantic and faithful mood, making Cuffing Season the most opportune time to coerce commitment out of a person-of-interest. Under ideal circumstances, Cuffing Season can lead to a genuine, long-lasting serious relationship … but only if executed skillfully. This year, the odds are in your favor. Between freezing temperatures, Postmates, UberEats, dozens of dating apps, a delightfully eclectic Netflix library and an exciting Fall/Winter television roster; this Cuffing Season will surely be one for the books!


Cuffing Season Applications here

 

My best advice is to approach Cuffing Season as if it were a sport, because essentially it is. There are winners and there are losers. There are rookies and there are pros. There are bench riders, star players, and even some MVPs. The more work and time you put into it, the better your chances of scoring. You can start by reviewing the season schedule below:

 

2016/2017 Cuffing Season Schedule

DATE

 

August 15 – August 31

Pre-Draft
Workouts

September 4

Draft Day

September 5 – September 19

Training Camp

September 20

Preseason

October 20

Preseason Ends

October 31

Roster Cuts

November 1

Free Agency

November 15

Trade Deadline

December 1

Regular Season

December 24 – January 1

Playoffs

February 14

Championship

March 1

All-star Games 

As you can see, there are only a couple days left of Preseason then it’s almost time to make roster cuts. If you’re behind schedule, I suggest you start recruiting a strong starting lineup ASAP because you’ve already missed training camp. Although the regular season doesn’t start until December 1st, there’s only a short time after that until the playoffs, which are Christmas through New Years Eve. If you make it through the holiday season with thoughtful Christmas gifts and a NYE kiss at midnight, then you just might go all the way to the championship … Valentines Day. Your performance throughout the season all boils down to V-Day: when you find out if you’re a side chick or a main chick. Will you get an Instagram shout out or just a direct message? Will you get a box of Chocolate and a Teddy Bear or a “Happy V-Day” text? Will you take home the tittle? 

I just want to close out by wishing everyone a great season. If you are new to the game, don’t get discouraged by failure, there’s always next season. [Insert your favorite cliché sports quote here] (Except for “everyone is a winner,” because that’s not true.) Second, place is just the first to lose, so play smart, play hard and play to win.

 

Win If You Can, Lose If You Must, But NEVER QUIT!”

– Cameron Trammel

 

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